I Said It. I’ll Own It! Quirky Hoops Hot Takes, Vol. 2

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Welcome back to another grimy episode of “I Said It. I’ll Own It!!”, where I drop some quirky hoops hot takes on an unsuspecting world.

How are you enjoying the season so far? I know the season is still in it’s infant stage, but we already have drama! We already have weirdness and we already have an instant classic! We haven’t even played two games yet! So let’s get started!

The Ballad of Ben Simmons Part II

This is turning into a soap opera. Don’t you agree? Before anyone dribbled the new Wilson ball with competitive intentions on Opening Night, we spent all day astounded at Ben Simmons and his refusal to practice. That little stunt led to him being tossed out of practice by Doc Rivers and must surely mark the end of his time in the City of Brotherly Love. (Brotherly Love which apparently doesn’t include “babysitting” according to Joel Embiid.) And why is “practice” always so gotdamn dramatic in Philly anyway?

Ben Simmons’ new Air Bartleby the Scrivener logo

So Ben was thrown out and he left peacefully, thankfully without a fond farewell like the one Latrell Sprewell gave P.J. Carlesimo in 1997. Truth be told, I think Doc could still kick Ben’s ass.

I said it. I’ll own it.

Ben was rumored to have been enjoying some quality time at a gentlemen’s establishment before the Sixers had even shut down for the day. I have to wonder who is advising Ben at this point because he or she is not doing the young man any favors. For Ben’s sake, I hope the “clubs” in Sacramento are also worth visiting at midday.

I said it. I’ll own it.

Russell Westbrook Blues

Oh, I feel for the man. I really do. Russ is so complex to me. I dig his play. I love watching him do his thing, even when everything starts disintegrating into unmitigated madness. It reminds me of the work I put in with these quirky hoops hot takes. He’s an artist out there on the court, and he deserves his canvas to spread truth and beauty as he sees fit, gotdammit! Unfortunately, his artistic passion doesn’t translate to automatic success for his team.

Russell Westbrook: Complex and Misunderstood

His debut for the Los Angeles Lakers was less than impressive and the Lakers lost. I hope the Laker Nation stops short of making him a pariah, but when, not if, the Lakers fall short this season, it will be Russ taking the scapegoat mantle.

I said it. I’ll own it.

LaMelo, Gorillas, and the Nets Suck Ass Defense

LaMelo Ball’s season debut was stunning. He dropped 31 points, grabbed 9 boards, and dished 7 assists while bringing the Charlotte Hornets back from a 23 point deficit in the third quarter to beat the Indiana Pacers by one. Can you say Unreasonably Early MVP candidate? I’m sure you can. LaMelo will be an All-Star this season. He is a bonafide beast.

I said it. I’ll own it!

Speaking of beasts, what’s up with Karl-Anthony Towns and the gorilla videos? Dude says he watches gorillas knocking snot out of each other to get keyed up for games. That. Is. Weird. I mean, I personally prefer the vicious bear going after the deer video myself. But anyway, he, D’Angelo Russell, and the Amazing Anthony Edwards are going to be fun to watch this season. The Timberwolves will be in the running for the play-in tournament.

I said it. I’ll own it.

I have a gorilla video that Karl-Anthony Towns needs to see…

The Brooklyn Nets don’t need to worry themselves about the play-in tournament, but they should be concerned with their defending. It is cheeks. Even if Kyrie Irving comes back from wherever he is right now fully vaxxed and ready to actually play the basketball sport, they’re going to continue to bleed buckets. They looked weak against the defending and defending world champion Milwaukee Bucks, and gave off a lot of “KD do everything, please” energy. If they don’t get their defensive act together, they will not be in the NBA Finals.

I said it. I’ll own it!

How about the Celtics-Knicks game? It was an instant classic. Of course, I didn’t see it because I was covering the Orlando Magic vs. the San Antonio Spurs. I heard all about it though. The New York Knicks will be a higher seed than the Boston Celtics at the end of the season.

I said it. I’ll own it!!

Well, the first full week isn’t even over and I’m already out of breath. Quirky hoops hot takes take a lot out of me. That actually might have to do with me being out of shape, but I’m putting this down to pure excitement! See you next week, Hoop Heads, and in the words of a non-basketball playing pig, “that’s all, folks!”

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